the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
