Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
