All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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