I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
