I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
