I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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