I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
