Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
