Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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