I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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