please come you make the beer taste better
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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