Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
