i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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