I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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