Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
