Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
