chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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