if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize