Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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