my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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