Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
