Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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