Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
