i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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