I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
