ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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