I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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