Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
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There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
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we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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