I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
