Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Someone came in the potted fern
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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