you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
