tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Drake has all the answers
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
