i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
