I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
