I'm sorry my penis didn't work
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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