I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
