It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
