take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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