My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
