I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
