11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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