i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
