After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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