so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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