You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Also, beer. Big fan.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
