My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
