I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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