She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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