There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
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conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize