I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Randomize
