A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
