he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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