just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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