I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My balls are so social today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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