I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
