i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
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I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
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I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize