I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
